Review: Gas Station Simulator is a dust-covered hellscape and I need you to send help

So, Gas Station Simulator is an older game and while I do review older titles – like the Day of the Tentacle review I did – this one wasn’t on my to-do list. In fact, the only reason I know about it is because of the newest DLC, Tidal Wave, that came out a few weeks back. We were offered a code and since I didn’t have the base game, they kindly offered that too. 

I probably could have just jumped right into Tidal Wave and figured it out, but having knowledge of the base game seemed prudent.

My initial plan was to play Gas Station Simulator and the DLC to do a write-up of both, at the same time. But, let’s just say, I wasn’t having a good time and I need a breather before I give Gas Station Simulator more of my sanity. 

Gas Station Simulator – An honest day’s work or your own personal hell?

I was excited to play Gas Station Simulator. It reminded me strongly of House Flipper, which I absolutely loved. Add in the fact that you’re running a business and I was sold.

Initially, I was concerned that my computer might not be able to handle it, but even on high settings, it was working just fine. I got comfy in the knowledge that this game was going to be easy to play. Too comfy. What a sweet Summer child I was back then – in the before times – before I knew what kind of hell was waiting for me.  

Gas Station Simulator opens with you driving up to a derelict gas station in the literal middle of nowhere. The only company you’ll have at first is an Elvis Presley ghost and Santa Claus flying overhead during the nighttime.

Maybe there are psychedelics in the dust, I don’t know, but this is our new reality now. I have an easier time digesting that there’s a ghost than the fact that it’s seemingly Christmas Eve every single night. 

Anyway, your Uncle has very kindly, out of the goodness of his heart, bequeathed this gas station to you. Sweet. A little paint, taking out some trash, and sweeping up should at least make this joint serviceable. 

So, you follow your list of tasks that basically do just that; tidying. Everything is going smoothly until you have to use the excavator to get rid of sand from in front of the gas pump. Maybe it’s just me, but I couldn’t get this sand to move to save my life. 

I went online and saw that this was a known issue and thought that this might be the end of my game. Except that I’m just an idiot, I guess. You have to fully brake in front of the sand before you can use the shovel to scoop up the dust.

Oh good, we’re related to Satan. Cool, cool, cool.

Perfect, crisis averted! Now we can start serving customers!

I get into the groove of pumping gas and cleaning up the station in the downtime. That is until I get a call from dear ol’ Uncle. Turns out, all this schmoozing, talking about how we’re family and that all this help he’s been giving me with stocking shelves and pumps was just a loan. 

A loan that needs to be paid back in full. And gee wheeze, wouldn’t you know it. The bill is due. Now. 

On the call, he told me that I owed a whopping 3,400 smack-a-roonis and that I had to repay that before the deadline was up. How long is that deadline? Oh, a generous 2 minutes. 

Of course, you don’t have the money and you see this time trickling down before your Mafioso Uncle makes an example out of you. Great, awesome. Best day ever. 

So, what do you do? You panic and try to pay back some of the loan, hoping it will stop the clock or reset it; something. No. It doesn’t. And, guess what? I hope you like surprises, because – SURPRISE! – the place where you pay back the loan says we owe 5k. Not 3.4k.

Perfect. 

All you can do is wait for the clock to run down and go answer the call when it comes from the payphone outside. When you get to the phone booth, a guy pulls up and punches out your lights. When you come to, your Uncle has arrived and he’s ever so sorry for the miscommunication about the deadline. 

So sorry, little dust bunny, someone made an error and you got walloped for absolutely no reason. But, hey, out of the goodness of his heart, he’s gonna make it square and just dissolve that loan. This time. 

I’d like a refund on my time back, please.

This is where things start to go downhill. I know what you’re thinking. Gee, Ashley, it sure seems like things were already rolling downward. To which I say, very humbly – HA!

Fighting with the excavator was child’s play. Getting my lights knocked out was a nice little nap. Hell, even dealing with Dennis, the shitstain kid that comes around to spray paint my walls just because he can is a walk in the park. 

I spend a lot of time just vibing. By this point, I’ve opened up parking spaces so people are coming in to buy products. I’ve got myself in the groove of checking out purchases, keeping the store clean, and filling cars at the pump. 

I’m doing so ding-dong-dang-good that I can upgrade my gas station! Excellent. My dream of developing the only gas station for miles and miles is well on its way. I can now open up the warehouse!

Let me tell you, folks: the warehouse is where dreams and framerates go to die. 

Imagine me, a dust-covered dreamer ready to strike out on some big money-making moves. I make my first order and I can taste the start of an empire on my dry, dehydrated tongue. It’s hot out, but I’m on fire with ambition!

Everything is great. I’ve made my first order and the truck is on the way. When it gets close, I go out to open up the warehouse and this is where every hope and dream I have ever had gets squished under the weight of a warehouse delivery truck. 

Is this a review or story time? Yes.

My framerate has been beautiful this whole time, but when I get near the warehouse, I’ve finally come face to face with the mortal enemy that must be quicksand. I knew that my day would come. My childhood told me this would happen and it waited for me to be secure in the physics of solid ground before it struck.

I slow down to a crawl, I can’t even turn my camera without it spinning out of control. When I try to walk forward, I move by inches before I fly across the small space and am caught against a wall. 

This is the worst thing ever and I struggle to not only get into my warehouse but to slog my way across the room to open the warehouse bay door. I finally – finally – manage it, hoping that if I can just get these deliveries then the truck will leave and my framerate will return. 

Oh, what a stupid little tumbleweed I am. 

No. 

Now, it’s worse. The truck is in the bay and the frame rate is worse than ever. The notification on the screen tells you to be careful not to leave the bay door open because it might encourage someone to rob you. 

Great. Now, I’m panicking. I’m stuck in molasses and someone is going to rob me. As if this venture wasn’t harrowing enough. So I’ve got to worry about bandits while I’m stuck with the worst superpower imaginable. 

I know what you’re saying. Turn down the graphics, duh. 

Oh, I did. It was the first thing I did when my framerate dropped. I dropped it like it was hot, but it didn’t help.

At this point, you’re thinking, it can’t get worse, right? Surely not. But, then I hear it. The nasally, punchable sound of Dennis’s laugh from far off, likely vandalizing my storefront. 

What’s a girl spiraling away to do? 

Oh, she closes the game and returns the next day. That is not for current Ashley, no-no. That’s future problems.

Step right up to see the defiance of physics!

Who knew future problems meant the defiance of gravity and decency?

When I booted up Gas Station Simulator the next day, I was blessedly alone. No Dennis was terrorizing my station and when I walked to the warehouse, my framerate was perfect. Thank God. 

I throw open my warehouse door and… the delivery truck is on its side. What do you mean the delivery truck knocked itself over in a fully enclosed space with no outside forces to disrupt it? 

Dutifully, I unload the truck, thinking that just maybe it would somehow drive itself away. But, man, am I stupid. Of course, the truck doesn’t drive away. Of course, the driver just climbs right in through the ground and then sits in the driver’s seat only to spin his wheels uselessly. 

What else did I expect to happen?

So, I ignore it. I close the warehouse and I tell myself that if I let it get out of camera sight, the game might do some background things and we’d be good. Except that it’s still prompting me to unload the truck and I can’t do anything. 

So, now I’m less a gas station owner and more a towing company. I will move this truck come hell or…whatever the dust brings. I gear myself up to try to shove it like the meekest Hulk in existence and… walk right through the truck. Huzzah, I’ve been blessed with another useless superpower!

Since that didn’t work, I then hopped into the excavator and tried to shove it out of the warehouse that way. No dice. 

Once more, I close the doors and decide to make another order. I have 15 slots left of space, maybe the next delivery truck will shove that one. Except that, I know that cars don’t do that in this game. All they do is sit behind the obstruction and honk incessantly. But, I was desperate.

Well, now is the time the game chooses reality. There’s only one delivery truck that delivers to Nowheresville and it’s laying on its side in my warehouse. 

At a loss, I turn to the internet once more and wouldn’t you know it! There is a perfectly reasonable and sound way to move the truck. 

I can sweep it with my broom. 

Yup. Sweep it. Sweep the truck. 

Whatever, I’m now God’s silliest noodle and I’ll do anything to resolve my issues. So, armed with a solution, I walk my dusty bottom out to the warehouse, throw open the door ready to sweep tons of metal, and… it’s gone. 

Quicksand, take me, I’m ready.

The truck has vanished. Except I can still hear honking. Is this piece of shit now invisible? My dumbass sweeps where the truck was just in case. But, nothing happens, and the truck is still honking. 

Now, I know that you’re probably all yelling at me by this point. I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? The truck is clearly on the roof. You all knew it. Gold star to you. But, when I figured it out, I was flummoxed. 

What’s a girl to do with a giant delivery truck stuck on the warehouse roof? 

Duh, you sweep it off and hope it lands on its tires. Which, it did. So, yay. 

At this point, I thought I had some more issues because it was still prompting me the same way even though the truck was unloaded and gone, but it wasn’t clear that I could stock the shelves. That one actually was me just being dumb.  

But, by the time I’d gotten here, I was tired. I was bone-deep tired. 

So, while the plan was to review Gas Station Simulator and the DLC Tidal Wave and Airstrip. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it this week. 

But hey, I’m sure flying and dealing with sharks is loads easier and won’t go wrong at all… 

All that said, I don’t recommend Gas Station Simulator. I’d rather sink with Artax – go ahead, google it if you don’t know – than deal with this again.  

Boy, oh boy, I can’t wait to try out the DLC. 

Save yourself and just check out the review I did of Botany Manor.